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I am fucked up..

Grave mistakes were made, trust was broken, work (shit would be a better word) is piling up and I can feel my brain freezing up.

I used to be unable to make such grave mistakes. Now I make them. And I have broken people’s trust, and my own dignity and reputation. I didn’t even think through what I was about to do, whether I really meant it, its consequences, and whether it is a right or wrong thing to do. My ability to discern right and wrong is eroding.

I do not know if this is because of the grave financial situation I have put myself in… now I suffering the onslaught of my spendings in the past few months. And as a result there are things that I had to give up. Things I dream about every night. Things that bring me joy. Things that provide me a healthy outlet to relieve my stress and give me time to rest my mind and to relax. My mind is in such a mess now.

I love radio controlled toys ever since I am young. I would always ask my parents to get one for me, and due to their love but weak financial capabilities, I often get cheap toys that spoils within a few months. It has always been my dream to get a hobby grade remote control car, one that could cost a few hundred dollars. I got my wish first with the purchase of a off-road buggy, and then an on-road touring car. Running the cars on slopes, doing drifts, getting the cars chased by small children. Sitting alone at an open court undisturbed and unconnected to everything. Just squeezing the trigger and enjoy the speed. Those are the happiest days of my life. But having a $440 monthly allowance pay from the Army does not allow me to substain this. Random repairs and monthly tire replacements can take up to as much as 1/4 of my allowance. Another 1/4 goes to transport. Damn the high cost of public transportation. I only have 220 to spend on meals. That is like $50 per week.

My savings soon dripped from 5 digit to 4 and when my radio control set developed problems, I held back my tears and told myself, this is it. I love remote control cars, and I love audio gadgets. But I had to sell them. I have to control my spendings. Off goes my Koss PortaPro headphone of 4 years to some lucky buyer. My girlfriend misses it too because in my JC days, she would always help me fold and keep it neatly in its pouch when I was too lazy to. She loves its sound and even its look. I sold off my $300 brushless motor for $165. I sold off Lipo batteries and charger for my remote control. I sold off the only portable headphone amplifier I currently own. I sold off my interconnect cables. I sold off the MylarOne X3i that I so happily keep in an Impact Candy case and love to surprise friends by pretending to offer them sweet and then opening the box to reveal the earphones.

I watched in misery as all these items I so loved landed onto other people’s hand. Once I sold my stuff to a buyer I would turn around and walk away quickly, fighting the terrible urge to turn back and get my stuff back from them. For many weeks I forgetfully open the drawer where I always kept my Koss Portapro and want to use them, only to remember that I had already sold it. For many nights I dream about playing remote control car. The first few dreams I dreamt that I was playing with my own. In the subsequent dreams, I dreamt that I had to borrow cars from my R/C buddies and play them. Whenever I pass by Saujana court, the place where I always play with on-road car, I would feel sadness overwhelm me and I had to turn away. Once I saw an Uncle playing with an on-road there, I walked over to him and asked if I could join him, only to check myself and remember that the only R/C stuff I have left are a few unused wheels.

All these somehow threw me out of whack. I begin to lose interest in what I do. Nothing feels worth doing in this world anymore. With stupid excuses I delegate all my office work to my understudy. I started to treat my friends badly. When an error-filled submission from an Admin Specialist arrive in my mailbox, I would email back in a very “chee bye” manner and CC the email to my superior and his. When Jaben Forum banned me, I went crazy and posted a silly thing on another forum. When my understudy to ask me things he obviously did not know about while I was on leave, I scolded him. I know it is obviously I am becoming what I know I am not and I could not help it.

My hobbies and obsessions and silly spendings had bled my wallet dry, and when I tried to fix it, I bled my soul dry.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I know that not knowing what to do is a common excuse for doing wrong things, but I really mean it when I have no idea what to do.

Can someone please help? What is right? What is wrong? What is my core personality? What should I believe in? Can I ask for forgiveness? Can I ever get out of this rotten feeling and state of mind?

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