Was it coincident that every time I meet up with her after each week of entrapment in camp, the very first sight of her was made bright daylight.
With her there was never a dim moment in my life, and the moment of seeing her had the effect on my brain much like sunglasses being remove from the eyes.
Everything went a notch brighter, yet upon meeting her also marks the impending moment where entrapment is out to engulf me again.
Everything is a bloody cycle. Entrapment gives way to brightness, and brightness marks that entrapment is about to come again.
There were many moments in my brief period of brightness where I suffered disbelieve at the high speed passage of time. I wish and pray to god, regardless if he really exist, to confer upon me the power to reach out and hold on to time, so that everything will come to a standstill and my brightness will never dim.
Yet the more nerdy parts of my brain snapped right back at me, nagging and lecturing me that in real life such a power is not to be. The internal mental conflict, the repulsive and vile images that floods my mind of the bunks, the office, the buildings, and the compounds of the camp stabbed with so much violence and perfect disregard for the comparatively mild meaning of the word “stab”, and literally crumpled my soul.
The headaches are getting worst, and at times it feels like someone is strangling me, from the back of my head.
I must stop writing about my feelings and experiences, for it too take a toil on my health points.
I can see that my writing style had took a very big shift direction, and I do not know if what I wrote could be read. But at least to me, at least during the time of writing, these words on the screen makes sense to me, and gave me an illusion that someone out there is hearing my problems.
I don’t want anymore encouraging words. I don’t want any form of support any longer. All I want is an end. An end to this ridiculous period of my life.
I have no idea what I am going through. How am I going to explain it to others? And it is because of that that I was suspected of faking my condition, a rather unfair and inconsiderate accusation that does nothing but adds on to my agony.
I need to be able to express myself. Yet I failed again and again.
On tuesday I will be given a chance to see a man who could set it all right for me. Please pray, wish or hope, or whatever, for me, that I will be able to make my sufferings and agony known to him, for him to help me to get out of this endless cycle of entrapment and brightness.
I am very giddy right now, head swaying left and right, and my head skin itches. I need to stop thinking about thinks I shouldn’t be thinking about in my current condition.
Wei kiat, stop, stop stop…………..STOP!
Snap out of it. Regain control of my fucked up mind.
Yes. Got it. My damaged usual self is back.
If someone were to sell tissue papers in my room, he or she would be a instant millionaire.
There, that should be my style of writing.
And let me look forward to a fun day tml. Vivo City and Sentosa with my fantastic girlfriend.
Please somebody, god, or who ever, give me the ability to freeze time. I need it tml.
:’(
I asked myself why I had suddenly grown in love with photography during my NS. I think I found the answer.
Photography is the only way to pause time available to me. Freeze the moment and view it later. Not a very sufficient alternative, but an alternative is still an alternative. I lug 20+ photos of family and gf into camp every week.
Many frozen bright moments.
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