When I was about to be enlisted he was afraid that I am a slow learner, and taught me how to tie the boat laces beforehand.
He gave me materials to read on how NS is like.
When I was posted to 30sce, he went online and printed out information on 30sce for me to read when I reach home from my date.
He fetches me whenever I book out or book in.
He fetches my girlfriend home many times.
He bought an expensive and beautiful bag for my sister from his oversea trip, only to be thrown aside by my sister without even using it once because according to her, the bag “looks too young”, and he never complaint.
He is my dad.
Why do I, at the end of these recent 3 posts, felt water rolling around at the front of my eyes?
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Why do I feel suicidal and depressed this afternoon, that I had to bang my head against the wall many times, and scream into my pillow, something which I had never done before in my life? Why is the noble notion of protecting or serving the country so depression inducing that even I, someone known to others as totally stress immune, broke down and teared?
Why is love best appreciated when it is suspended from us? Why is war a default method by mankind to decide defeat and victory? Why is the government able to take over 2 precious years of life in every single males?
Life is life only when a being is able to live it. I am not able to live my life these 2 years. Am I already dead, hence there is no need for me to feel suicidal anymore?
Why am is my life so negatively affected by such a noble notion? Physically and mentally, I suffered. And when I suffer, my loved ones do as well.
What gives a country such a powerful control over the many million lifes living in it?
I am a firm believer of freedom and morality. Why doesn’t the country feel guilty about negatively impacting the life of so many?
I simply don’t understand anything anymore.
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I can only indulge in the many materialistic pleasures while I serve, as life gives me no other joy. Perhaps, materialistic pleasures, and samples of love and hope and freedom each weekend is what keeps me going.
Why do I tear so much ever since enlistment? I am a man. I’ve got to be strong. Yet I feel strong is an excuse behind which true man hide their weakness and emotions. I am a transparent person. I have nothing to hide. I have feelings. I have emotions. I need to cry.
I’ve got a feeling that the next few nights, including tonight, will be spent sleeping on a slightly damp pillow.
And looking at the future, I don’t see how my pillow can be dry until 15/03/09, the magical date.
Life is wasted when you anticipate the future so much that you ignore the present.
Yet I have no choice but to do that now.
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“I feel suicidal and depressed this afternoon”
I felt that like two and a half years ago.
“I had to bang my head against the wall many times”
I had to use my penknife and cut myself everyweek
“so depression inducing that even I, someone known to others as totally stress immune, broke down and teared?”
Its ok, i had been so used to breaking down. Get used to it.
“Yet I feel strong is an excuse behind which true man hide their weakness and emotions. I am a transparent person. I have nothing to hide. I have feelings. I have emotions. I need to cry.”
I agree 100% to that. A lot of guys simply resist crying for the fact “they are guys”. Crying is in fact a very good way to relieving depression.
“I’ve got a feeling that the next few nights, including tonight, will be spent sleeping on a slightly damp pillow”
At least u can still sleep, a lot of times i cant even sleep…because when i sleep, the next day will come soon, following all the shit stuff.
Its ok, i had been depressed for 2 and a half years, this is exactly how i felt last time. Blogging randomly and thanking this, fucking that, whining here, kao peh there. All alone u feel much worst, in front of others u try to mask your depression. I suppose now u treasure sihui more and more cos she is the one who can give u love to “ma jiu” (numb) your sadness and anger.
Its ok. Welcome to the dark side.
Hey… relax! oh man.. =| hmmmm… hmmm.. hmmmm… errr….ah ha. i can’t feel what you are feeling right now cos im not you. but. i know how it feels like. i mean. cheer up! maybe… hmm.. is it because of the society? is it because of the things that some people said? is it because some people won’t listen to what you say? is it because.. i don’t know.. but anyway. cheer up la. the present is transient. every moment is worth living (including bad moments) maybe you just have to remember this.. you are not the only one feeling this way.
Man are those who know when to garang.
Usually, those who are not man enough want to garang in army to make them more man.
Man who just garang because they are man are not that intellectual.
Man with the correct intellect does the correct things.