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(Skip the next paragraph. It is big, disorganized and messy, just like the state of my thoughts this few days)

Been thinking alot about life and death recently, the endless cycle of infant(hood), childhood, teenage(hood), adult(hood), parenthood, old age Where how one day I’ll be smiling at my own children and grandsons, while my own parents and grandparents are very far removed from my memory. How everyone is going through this stages unchangingly from the beginning of life till now, how repetitive, boring, and never ending. How you won’t know about your lack of existence the day it comes because you won’t be around to notice it. How everyone who is working so hard, leading meaningful life, helping others and receiving help, and it counts for nothing because they all die one day. How life came about possibly because of random carbon arrangements, and how existence is aware of itself. How it is that “I think, therefore I am.” and so on. How ghost shouldn’t really exist, but are born out of our instinctive fear of darkness and night because of our primitive nocturnal predators (My own theory). Feeling my brain going on and on into an abyss so dark and incomprehensible that I finally comprehend how some genius can go crazy and kill themselves to end this endless unanswerable question. Things like quantum mechanics and parallel universe which I and still struggling to comprehend even after my constant reading in the subject for the past 5 years, and how it is nothing but a theory brought about by our primitive science. How “science” in the past are today’s religious believes and thinking about how relevant is our “science” today. How I should really live my life since I have only one try and I don’t want to waste it, and am going to value each and everyday. I had already lived through a great deal of my life doing the same things everyday, following rules, orders and regulations. I want to take charge of it as soon as possible, do things my own way. How $1000 is a big or small amount depending on how you look at it. How I am born to be what I am. How certain traits of mine are indirectly copied off both my parents. How humans pick up language without knowing how to communicate in the first place (my theory is watch and learn. By comparing sound of words and actions by individuals who produced them, an infant is able to gradually understand spoken language. this i notice through 3 years of watching japanese animes with subtitles, and one day I forgot to turn on the subtitle and still managed to understand/guess approximately 60% of the show and spoken words). How the brain works. How collective intelligence works. The theory that with humans being inter connected to each other via massive network we are like the many neurons in our brain connected to each other. How the conciousness is derived when you have so many seperate cells. How the cells came and work together to form a human. How “big” our Earth is. Is the universe also in fractal form, where earth is part of something similar to the inside of a quark or whatever smallest unit of matter we can find. How we interact with other physical object. How can we be sure about existence. Fate and freewill? On and on and on.

I’m lucky that I have my psp and gf to save me from insanity. I sense I have a slightly more intelligent/observant brain than those belonging to the self-delusional fools and muggers I’ve seen in AJC. However, I hate myself for noticing things in this society and the world and then not comprehending it. That is beyond my mental capacity.

Or am I just passing through another phase of life, which involves thinking oneself to be more intelligent than others, and having weird unanswerable question, which majority of other people went through as well.

Damn it, I want to live life by my own definition.

Although I always know the answer to the following question, I still can’t answer myself.

What do I want in life?

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